------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Texas wife
Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a
woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to
see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a Praise
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The
pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,” thank the Lord, Tom is out
of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."
All the men sighed with
relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked
if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma
Grandma
is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if
you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what
an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
'For the love of God!'
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through
the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that
the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because
she's very good at them ?
>>
Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look
at your undies".
>>
Susie said: " I know they do that's why I hide them in
my backpack"!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little known fact
As the mother of sons, I was not surprised by
this "little known fact"!
>
The first testicular guard "Cup" was
used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for
men to realize that the brain is also important
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Purina diet
> >
Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
my loyal pet "Sheriff the Wonder Dog" and was in the checkout line when
a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb
to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
> >
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack-- he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. Better
watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of crazy things to say.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t think bad of your man if he drinks, blame the beer
Beer contains female hormones!
Last month; National University of Swaziland scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong!!.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That wee little runt, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
|
Good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were
sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after
getting off of work at their local Nissan plant. After a
while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to
sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your
wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and
had a baby, would that make us kin?'
The 2nd guy crooked
his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and
squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but
It would make us even.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Elderly Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
This coming week is National Mental Health Care Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price
--the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the
$500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife
and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy is she), 'I have an
idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500,
they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral will be Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the Economic Downturn
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state
of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This
has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I
didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six
'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided
these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach
this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
The Little Red Hen
"Who will help me plant
my wheat?" said the little red hen.
"Not I," said the
duck.
|
Today's Ebonics' word from the
Louisiana Public School System
OMELETTE
Let's use it in a sentence:
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
The Bailout Mascot
The government today announced that it is changing the national symbol
to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects
a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, It just doesn't get more accurate than that.
Web Site Hosting