Bitches till the end
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be
cold until the end!
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.. You have cancer, and you'd
best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose
herself and walk into the waiting room where her
daughter had been waiting...
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are
good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So,
let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more
martinis. They were eventually approached by some of
the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what
the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their
condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned
over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you
were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends
you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those Bitches sleeping
with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting
Your Affairs In Order.'
Nativity Scene
The Old PondA retired man living in the back waters of Kentucky had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large old pond out in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old retired man decided to go down to the old pond,
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!
The old retired man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator that I am raising in there.'
Some old retired men can still think pretty darn fast when they need too !
DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young womanAnd she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
Car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
Don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It
was
1947Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been
covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
Now You Know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOX News Bows to Pressure
In response
to President Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and
Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air
"America's Most Wanted" twice each week.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know where I am
A woman in a hot-air balloon
realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346
feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north
latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LITTLE
JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The
teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grand dad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City
and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good
Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there
was
no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny
said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so
big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Texas wife
Three men married wives from different countries. The first man
married a
woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and
house
cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came
home to
see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders
that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the
dishes were
done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Texas . He ordered her to keep the
house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left
eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and
load the
dishwasher.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a Praise
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The
pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it
to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,” thank the Lord, Tom is out
of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."
All the men sighed with
relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked
if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma
Grandma is eighty-eight years
old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if
you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what
an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
'For the love of God!'
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through
the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum
that
the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because
she's very good at them ?
>>
Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look
at your undies".
>>
Susie said: " I know they do that's why I hide them in
my backpack"!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little known fact
As
the mother of sons, I was not surprised by this "little known fact"!
>
The first testicular guard "Cup" was
used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for
men to realize that the brain is also important
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Purina diet
> >
Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
my loyal pet "Sheriff the Wonder Dog" and was in the checkout line when
a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb
to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
> >
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack-- he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. Better
watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of crazy things to say.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don’t think bad of your man if he drinks, blame the beer
Beer contains female hormones!
Last month; National University of Swaziland scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong!!.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That wee little runt, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
|
Good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were
sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after
getting off of work at their local Nissan plant. After a
while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, 'If'n I was to
sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your
wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and
had a baby, would that make us kin?'
The 2nd guy crooked
his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and
squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but
It would make us even.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Elderly Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
This coming week is National Mental Health Care Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
Well, my job is done.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price
--the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the
$500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife
and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it
for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (no dummy is she), 'I have an
idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500,
they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral will be Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the Economic Downturn
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state
of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This
has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I
didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six
'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided
these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach
this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
The Little Red Hen
"Who will help me plant
my wheat?" said the little red hen.
"Not I," said the
duck.
|
Today's Ebonics' word from the
Louisiana Public School System
OMELETTE
Let's use it in a sentence:
'I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.'
The Bailout Mascot
The government today announced that it is changing the national symbol
to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects
a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, It just doesn't get more accurate than that.
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