More Jokes & Opinions & Misc
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A GOOD MAN FOR THE JOB
A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's
Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look
good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before
you
can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this
pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six
Muslim
extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" says the man being interviewed.
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you
start?"
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small farm in Kansas. The Kansas
Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview
him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them",
demanded the Agent...
the farmer, "Well," there's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board..
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per
week
plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 16 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him
a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also
sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.
"That would be me", replied the farmer.
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What's
the hold up
A driver is stuck in a
traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is
moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold
up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey,
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse
them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon'.
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"Indian Want coffee."
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo
with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and
then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the
other. He walks up to the counter and says toThe waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ...
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.
Generic Pharmocology
I
n pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.
Pride
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park
every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it
and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for
a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time
they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill
lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill,
but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat
Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened
to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for? '
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress
at the
coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years
old, I
was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
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Arizona Cowboy
An ARIZONA cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago...'
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She Made Bets
An elderly woman
walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She
wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of
the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was
curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The
elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to
win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said,
'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are
not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved,
if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning
with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank
confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way
and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no
one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there
was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the
day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she
and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given
the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed
that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly
woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I
bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding
the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
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|
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send
this to at least 5 people, you're a terrorist-sympathizing,
lily-livered coward and are in the position of posing as a national
threat
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GO GITCHA MOMMA
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their
lives. The father and son were strolling around while the
wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father
(never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,
I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my
whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to
the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son..........
'Boy.................go gitcha Momma.............
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Yard Sale
One day, while going to the store I passed by a nursing home. On the front
lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a
bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home and the same six old
ladies were still lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, so I went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' I asked.
'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard
sale..'
The
Cowboy
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing
his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced toward him out of
a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci
shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the
cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell
notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs
to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,
Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm
Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses
an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals
and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk
of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell
you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then
says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government and
you support Obama", says Bud.
Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did
you guess that?"
"No guessing required.." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You used millions of
dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't
know a thing about how working people make a living
- or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
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Little Sally
Little Sally came home from school with a
smile on her face and told her
mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the
playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Little Sally went on to
say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Little Sally's Mom asked, "Really?
Small, was it?"
Little Sally replied, "No, Salty."
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This
comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs.
experience.
Here
is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable
mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This
is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%.. How about achieving 103%? What
makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =
96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While
Hard work
and
Knowledge will get you close, and
Attitude
will get you
there, its the
Bullshit and
Ass kissing
that will put you over the top.
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Only Don Rickles
could get away with saying this stuff, but it is funny.
Don Rickles
Roasts the Dems...
Hello,
dummies! Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the
accident?
Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint - A Saint
Bernard. Now I know why they call you the arithmetic man.
You add partisanship, subtract pleasure, divide attention,
and multiply ignorance. Reid is so physically unimposing, he
makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T. And Reid's so dumb, he
makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual. Nevada is
soooo screwed! If I were less polite, I'd say Reid makes
Kevin Federline look successful.
Speaking
of the Speaker... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba! Hey baby, you
must've been something before electricity. Seriously, the
Speaker may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but
don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot. Madame
Speaker... want to make twelve bucks the hard way? Pelosi
says she's not partisan, but her constituents call her
Madame Pelossilini.
Charlie
Rangel... still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind.
What does that make, six decades of theft? Rangel's the only
man with a rent-controlled mansion. He's the guy who writes
our tax laws but forgot to pay taxes on $75 grand in rental
income! So why isn't he the Treasury Secretary? Rangel runs
more scams than a Nigerian Banker.
Barney
Frank - he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone.
Consider... he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown
and they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney,
they're still heading up the financial system! Let's all
admit it... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog on
novocain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's right...
he's from Massachusetts . That's the state that elects Mr.
Charisma, John Kerry -- man of the people!
You know,
if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine
bottles with him. Here's a news flash, Dodd: when your local
newspaper calls you a "lying weasel", it may be time to
retire. Dodd's involved in more shady deals than the
Clintons . Even Rangel looks up to him!
Press
Secretary Robert Gibbs, I really respect you... especially
given your upbringing. All you've overcome... I heard your
birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory. I
don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works for
you. Personally, I don't think you're a fool, but what's my
opinion compared to that of thousands of others? Gibbs does
his best expositional work in the bathroom every morning.
As for
President Obama, what can I say? They say President Obama's
arrogant and aloof, but I don't agree. Now it's true when
you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind,
but he has it in his back pocket. His mind is open to new
ideas -- so open that ideas simply pass through it. Obama
lies so much, I was actually surprised to find out his first
name really was Barack. Just don't ask about his middle
name! But Obama was able to set a record... he actually lied
more in 60 days than Bill Clinton. As far as his
administration -- what with the tax cheat and lobbyists --
well, in the words of Patches O'Houlihan, "It's like
watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out
there."
With all
due respect.
FOR THOSE THAT VOTED FOR "HOPE AND CHANGE"... BEND OVER AND PREPARE TO RECEIVE YOUR BOUNTY. |
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THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
OUTSTANDING!
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up this country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street... You can have your beloved homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.